Exploding bits – UNEXPLAINED!!!
Exploding butt – UNEXPLAINED!!!
Exploding brain – UNEXPLAINED!!!
It’s official. We have a hat trick!
Things we DO know though on the last day of July 2019:
- An unidentifiable number of strangers have seen me naked this year.
- Medical staff use their iPhone cameras to examine you these days and not torches. It was weird the first time and it remains weird the 3874848th time too.
- We need to talk more about bits and butts and brains. I am able to confirm when you’ve talked about yours as much as I have had to talk about mine this year there is ZERO embarrassment factor by the end of it. Well not for you, your audiences will still squirm with embarrassment or giggle when you mention YOUR UNMENTIONABLES.
- It doesn’t matter how well you look after your body or how badly you treat it – the theory of random chaos applies to who ends up in hospital with something.
I have met all types this past few months and a lot of them were smug healthy arsehats who were very pissed off that having eaten the right things, exercised, thought happy thoughts and so on, their brains broke or their insides let them down. Sure you can do things which are good for you and that is a good thing – but it doesn’t get you a free pass to old age.
- More medical specialists need to revise #dontbeadick 101. Being hospital is really scary and just because it’s business as usual for them doesn’t mean it is for you. People want answers and explanations, not two minutes with your registrar while you bark into your phone about another patient. We get that you’re busy, just remember you are in the business of ‘care’.
- Your tribe has your back. Every single time. Thank them and then pay it forward.
- The essentials for going to hospital are (in no particular order) – an extension cord, your phone charger, your phone, clean undies and t-shirt, flip-flops, toothbrush and toothpaste. This is true whether you are having a baby, pre-cancerous lesions removed, invasive procedures or a stroke. You can cope with anything if you can text somebody to bitch about it. But its easier to cope with clean teeth.
- You need a good GP. And if you’re the kind of idiot that doesn’t visit doctors – know that my life expectancy is better than yours now that I didn’t die because I will be visiting that darling woman anytime something goes even remotely pear-shaped. Not going to the doctor is not a status symbol. It’s a sign that you’re an idiot who doesn’t look after themselves because they can’t say ‘bottom’ to a stranger.
- Be an organ donor.
- Give blood. Regularly.