There are many, many reasons a marriage breaks down and to make sure I’m giving mine it’s best shot, I have narrowed down the five areas which trigger the most discord in our happily ever after.

1. He doesn’t peg clothes on the line the way I do  Worse, his inability to peg clothes on the line in a way that is sensible, efficient and CORRECT, appears to be genetics (based on my scientific observations of his parent’s clothesline over the years) which makes me fear for my daughters.  He doesn’t align seams so that clothes hang straight, he’ll hang jeans up by their waistband, he doesn’t match socks as he goes and worst of all, when he takes clothes off the line, he LEAVES THE PEGS ON THE LINE, rather than returning them to the peg bag. In short, he’s a monster.
2. He gets amnesia when taking things out of the pantry
   Every. Single. Day. For. 13. Years. He has forgotten where the coffee and sugar go in the pantry, so once he has taken them out, he just leaves them on the bench. He also forgets how to seal the bread, put away the milk and or indeed any of the things EVER. I know he wouldn’t continue to do things that annoy me so I have to assume some kind of regular, intermittent, amnesia.
3. Time management
   We have different approaches to time. His approach is to see time as an abstract concept with no real meaning. Unless it’s for a gig. In which case, his approach to time is as exacting as an Olympic official. It will come as no surprise that his approach is inconsistent with mine.
4. Relaxing weekends
   My man knows how to relax. A weekend that involves seeing nobody but his family is his idea of bliss. If we can avoid leaving the house altogether he considers himself a man utterly content with his lot. I can do this kind of relaxing for approximately 37 seconds. I like to do things. Lots of the things. All of the things. With all of the people. All of the days. All of the time. We have a shared calendar so there are no surprises. Me forgetting to put things in the calendar means sometimes HE gets a surprise. I’m never at fault here – he should have learned to read
   

   my mind years ago.

5. We have different ‘conflict resolution’ stylesThis means when we get cross with each other he becomes mute and I become absolute, and it only ends when we sit down and take turns to express our points of view calmly and rationally until we are back to being cosmically aligned.

   This is of course – 100% untrue.

   It generally ends when one or both of us is fed.

And for all of those sitting there smugly thinking – my relationship is much more solid than that Al – We share values, love our families, are kind and respectful to each other and love each other more than life itself. We are totally awesome.

If it’s about your opposing view on Australia’s approach to the North Korean nuclear threat, or how best to demonstrate empathy to your children, I’ll be more surprised than Nick’s going to be when he sees what we have on NEXT weekend. 

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Who run the world? Girls! Girls!
Who run the world? Girls!
Who run the world? Girls!
Who run the world? Girls!
Who run the world? Girls!
Who run this motha? Girls!
Who run this motha? Girls!
Who run this motha? Girls!
Who run this motha? Girls!
Who run this motha? Girls!
Who run the world? Girls!
Who run the world? Girls!
Who run the world? Girls!
Who run the world? Girls!

Now if you imagine what this world could look like if all girls had the same opportunities as my daughters… clean water, a minimum of 12 years of education, access to doctors and all going well, a career when they get old enough to realise that those damn Shopkins don’t buy themselves.  

Think of what this world could like if we stopped publishing ‘news’ stories about whether or not Margot Robbie is wearing a bra. Imagine what this world could look like if every single girl child felt in control of their bodies, their minds and their lives. Imagine what we could do if we raised a whole world of girls that trusted themselves, believed in themselves and didn’t have to ‘prove’ themselves capable. 

It might not be a perfect world, because YES MR WHITE MAN ON THE RADIO, nobody is perfect, not even girl children, but I think we can all agree, that given the opportunity, GIRLS CAN RUN THE WORLD, a whole lot better than the adults in charge at the moment. 

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And so I should. We’ve been living together for a long time.

I didn’t know I lived with depression of course when I was younger – I just thought I sucked at life. I dabbled in self harm, gave a decent shot at self destructive behaviours, and I wholeheartedly believed all the things my brain was telling me about my self-worth – things I’d absorbed growing up that had become my internal truths despite external contradictions.

I have lived with the incessant babble of my brain, and the overwhelming cacophony of a mind constantly at war with it self, for most of my life. These are some of the things I now know.

1. I know that people don’t think I’m depressed because I’m not lying in bed, crying all the time. Don’t get me wrong, there’s an element of that sometimes. But trust me, I can be sitting at a table with you, chatting about life and laughing at your jokes, and still be thinking that me dying would make the world a better place. I live with depression 24/7, 365 days a year. My medication and my clinical psych keep me in check. Without those – I’m in free-fall. I learned that the hard way.
2. I know that there is no logic in depression. If I could stop being depressed and feeling the way I do, don’t you think I would? Of course I know that I am much luckier than a lot of people. Of course I know that people go through far worse without becoming depressed. I KNOW that. And I can assure you I feel guilt and shame about living with depression for those reasons without you pointing it out to me. 
3. I know that there are no words to explain the hopelessness and dread which consume you living with depression. It’s a constant, throb in your chest, it’s an ache in your bones, it’s a gauzy bandage over your brain keeping everything fuzzy.  It’s an effort. And trying to explain it when you are overwhelmed by those feelings makes them seem trivial, minor, and insignificant. Which makes you feel worse because you can see that the people you are speaking to don’t get it, unless they’ve lived it. There is nothing more soul destroying than trying to explain something people don’t get.  Ask any maths teacher. 
   
4. I know that depression doesn’t just affect me. It affects my partner, my children, my relationships, my friendships, my parenting style, my business, and my physical health. This means that you try really hard sometimes to pretend you’re okay even when you’re not, because ‘normal’ seems a nice world to live in. 
5. I know that people think that you’re ‘fine’ because that bit where you wanted to die so badly a year or so ago has passed and the fact you’re still not ‘sorted’ is incredibly frustrating to them. It’s frustrating to me too, trust me, I’m trying. 
6. I know that people think they know what my triggers are. And I appreciate those that don’t try to fix me, and I appreciate the ones that do. The thing is, if there was something tangible to fix, I’d do it myself – trust me on this. Different things impact at different times. I recognise this. I really do.
7. I know that people find the fact that I can be so frank about my depression disconcerting. The thing is, I don’t lack self awareness or resilience. But never acknowledging it means that I internalise all of the ‘stuff’.  And then the line between what is my truth and what is my depression fades away and the world just seems unbearable. Plus, if she who ‘apparently’ talks too much can’t talk about it, who is going to? If sharing my diagnoses makes it easier for even ONE other person to articulate their own struggles than that is the silver lining in this shitty storm.
8. I know when my lifestyle choices are not the best for my illness, and I know when my lifestyle choices are very good for me. Sometimes making the right choices doesn’t change anything despite me wanting them to be the ‘fix’, and then on the flip side, sometimes I just don’t give a fuck. I just want to switch off. 
9. I know that some people don’t “believe” in depression or mental health as a bona-fide illness. Like climate change deniers, anti-vaxers and racists – you can just fuck off. Your belief systems don’t change the science. 
10. I know that my depression is not all of me. It’s a very real part of me, like anybody that lives with an illness either short term or long term can attest. But it’s part of what makes me, me. Living with depression is frequently the lens through which I view the world and sometimes, it acts as CCTV for every arsehole I encounter in a day. BUT more frequently it shines a spotlight on the kindness of others and the really great things that are going on in the world, despite all the tomfuckery.  
11. And last, but not least, I know that no amount of David Wolfe memes make any impact on my mental health. So please stop sharing his quackery and bullshit. 

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And you are sitting there thinking – “SOIL SALINITY? WHAT THE ACTUAL F&&K FRANK? YOU CAN NOT SERIOUSLY BE ABOUT TO BLOG ABOUT SOIL SALINITY?”

To which I would primly point out to you that I talk about everything from housework to human rights and SURELY THAT COVERS SOIL SCIENCE?

That aside, it turns out that soil salinity is a fairly critical issue for Afghanistan and other ‘critical states’.  ‘Critical states’ refers to the places we here generally think of as ‘countries which have had the bejeezus bombed out of them and the infrastructure destroyed for reasons we’re not very sure about but seem to result in lots of people killed, injured or misplaced’.

After the largest non-nuclear bombing ever happens, not much is left Source: Reuters

For a country that has around 75% of the population dependent on agriculture, where it snows in winter and bakes in summer, where the woodlands/trees/forests have been depleted due to conflict, construction and the need for fuel, the salinity of the soil is a massive deal. It affects the ability to grow anything, like you know – food, which affects both the health of individuals and the economy. It affects the quality of the water, which of course affects hygiene. And of course hygiene, affects health, which affects…. oh you get me.  Being able to grow stuff is pretty important so if the soil is all wrong (a genuine scientific evaluation) everybody is screwed.

Add into that mix Afghanistan still suffering more than it’s fair share of conflict and internal instability, it almost seems like it’s all too hard. I’m a bleeding heart lefty remember and even just listening to it I felt overwhelmed by the impossibility of the task. I mean – gardening and guns – I am not great with either if I’m honest.

But it turns out that people like Brian Hilton from World Vision, the government and a bunch of other NFPs are more comfortable with gardening and guns than I am, and have wandered about Afghanistan chatting to the locals and worked out that overall they’d rather NOT be growing poppies even though the buggers grow everywhere, because poppies mean opium and opium means addiction, fighting and the average Afghani is pretty much over fighting about anything.  So, they’ve worked out they can grow winter wheat, saffron and pistachios and get it all moving again.

Khatai cookies – Afghan cookies with cardamom and pistachio (vegan) You’re very welcome for the #foodinspo

Now obviously I’ve massively oversimplified lots of really involved science, politicking, negotiating and so on, but if you had ever told me that getting Afghanistan back on its feet might be as simple as nuts, I would have told you you were, ummmmm, nuts.

Oh c’mon. You would have made the same joke.

But it goes to show how much we know over here in our little corner of the planet. And this is what is fascinating to me about the work World Vision does – they don’t just say “I think they need”, or “I believe they need”, or “They bloody well need”, they go and ASK THE PEOPLE WOT LIVE THERE LIKE.

Or to be fair, they send people like Dr Brian into the field with his American accent, his crutches, more than a touch of knowledge about ‘stuff’ and a couple of translators/bodyguards to help with the asking and then they all sort it out. But then, you get the opportunity to listen to him talk and you find that you are actually massively intrigued by what is involved in the reforestation of Afghanistan and what that means for the people.  I mean this is the same man that got me fascinated in the biodiversification of sweet potatoes in Burundi last year and what that means in regards to the elimination of blindness. I mean sweet motherless child of Colin, I’m not even sure I could have placed Burundi on a map before he spoke but all of a sudden I was loving Burundi innovation as if I’d discovered it myself! (Could I be any more of a white cliche?)

Anyway, as you know a little bit of knowledge is a dangerous things and before you knew it I had fallen down the 3am rabbit hole on more than one sleepless night, reading about the role of vegetables in getting countries back on their feet after years of extensive conflict. In short, people are feckin’ amazing and vegetables are so much more than your ability to see in the dark.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what Australians’ don’t know about ‘critical zones’. And I know that when people say ‘go back to where you come from’ they’re being more than a little bit racist, but it also shows how much we don’t know collectively. I mean it would be great to send all the refugees in our detention centres back home wouldn’t it? I mean most of the fighting is finished, so like just get back to it. Start living your lives again.

Except that there are no trees in public parks for kids to fall out of so they can sue the government so there are no jobs for lawyers, there are not hospitals for doctors to doctor in, no food for grocers to sell, the schools are bombed out so teachers have no resources, the power is still disconnected so there is no need for electricians to link up to Foxtel. These countries literally have to start at the very beginning, and that’s sorting out the soil, and the drinking water and growing nuts.

source: World Vision Images

And what can we do? We can dust off our compassion, be kind to each other and share our pistachios. We can’t solve all the problems of the world at once, but we can do a lot by doing a little to make our little corner of the world a much less hateful place.

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Flacco and Cass

“Dear Nick and Alison,

Last week the High Court of Australia took the decision that the marriage equality postal survey will go ahead. As two people involved in politics in this country we were disappointed with the outcome because in Australia our laws are made in Parliament and if offends our sense of social justice that the rights of any minority are subject to a different process before they can even be considered in that place. This is nothing but a costly and harmful delaying tactic engineered by the opponents of equality. Rights delayed are rights denied.

Since the announcement of the survey our first priority has been to help our friends, family and colleagues support each other through this tough time, particularly our younger friends for whom the struggle for equality and dignity is just beginning.

We are now focussed on ‘winning’ the survey and so have chosen to ask for your help by the same means that the survey will take place – by way of the post.

Here is how you can help us to achieve equality for all LGBTI Australians:

1. Complete your survey
This survey is optional and based on similar postal ballots we understand that only about 65% of survey forms will be returned. This makes every survey important.
We are heartened that a majority of Australians support equality but if those people support us do not return their form, than the ballot may be lost.  As soon as your survey comes in you should fill it in and post it straight back.   

2. Tell your family and friends that you have voted Yes
Take a photo or video of you completing your survey (or putting it in the post box) and post it to social media. Ask your friends to do the same. 

3. Talk to people about what marriage means to you
We’ve been in a loving relationship for nearly a decade. We have built a house, grow herbs on the balcony (with mixed results), share dinner with friends over at the weekend and sometimes disagree about what we are going to watch on Netflix. 

On 22 August 2015, we hosted a four day celebration of our love in Tasmania, but it was not a legal wedding. Our relationship doesn’t have the same standing in society as others in our family and a patchwork of legislation means our legal status as a couple is not guaranteed. 

If you feel you can’t share your own store of love or a story of how this will affect your family we would be honoured if you shared ours.  We believe that the only way we can win this fight is with love and we have plenty to spare. 

All committed love between two consenting adults is equal. All families are equal. We should all be recognised under the law with equality.  If a Yes vote is returned than nobody is going to be any less married and nobody is going to be any more gay.  Love will win the day. 

Yours in equality
Brad and James”

Australia’s Involvement in the United Nations Charter
Australia was one of the 51 founding members of the United Nations (UN) and our involvement in the development of the international human rights system dates from this time. We played a central role in the negotiations on the UN’s charter in 1945 to ensure that respect for human rights was placed alongside peace, security and development as the primary objectives of the United Nations. 

Australia’s Involvement in the Universal Declaration of Human Rights
Australia was also a founding member of the United Nations Commission on Human Rights, which is the main international forum for the promotion and protection of human rights. The Commission, with Australia as one of its 8 members, drafted the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. The Declaration was presented to the UN General Assembly and adopted on the 10th of December 1948. In the chair as President of the UN General Assembly was an Australian, Dr. H V Evatt, one of the architects of the Declaration and the chief Australian delegate to the UN.

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Now, like most things that were written 2,000 or so years ago, it’s fair to say that it wasn’t meant to be taken literally.  And I think we can all agree that he was talking generally about the first seven years of life being critical in terms of the development of a child in relation to the adult they would become.

Or maybe he was offering to raise the entire Greek population for the first seven years of their lives and his great plan to found the greatest childcare centre of all time was wildly misinterpreted. Bummer that – 2,500 years of childcare fees would have easily made him richer than… well anybody.

But I digress.  Modern thinking about raising children would indicate that he was correct about the early years of a person’s life being hugely influential.  But I think we also dismiss the human experience to say that who you are at seven is who you are for the rest of your life.  And since most of us don’t remember much until we are about four it would be disappointing to know that the adult you become is entirely shaped by the poo, fart and bum jokes you spend the following 900 odd days telling.

That said – it would explain a lot about humankind.

Our eldest daughter Tully turned seven a few days ago. She’s a great kid.  Clever, inquisitive, stubborn, loving and kind. She worries a lot for a small person and she is fierce with her affections. She’s very loyal and sometimes, like all humans, she’s a massive pain in the derriere.  She’s completely adorkable to me and her father, and the centre of her sister’s universe.

If the adult Tully is anything like seven year old Tully, she’s starting strong. But I would like to think that in the next seven years, the seven after that, the seven after that, and so on, she is experiencing the world in a way that helps her evolve into the individual she is meant to be.

That will mean being proactive about getting out in the world, going outside her comfort zone, being open to education and different kinds of people. It will mean knowing that the world is shades of grey and not the black and white we see it as when we are younger. It’s about knowing the difference between right and righteous, between kind and nice, and of course – between their, they’re and there.

I would hope that the adult version of my seven year old had the opportunity to be exposed to many ideas and thinking that is outside her parents’ experience. I would hope that she challenges the things we present to her, not only to challenge her own thinking, but ours. I hope that she learns that she can lose sight of us, because we will never lose sight of her.

I have lived six sets of seven years so far and I can comprehensively say that the person I am now is a much more rounded version than me at 7, 14, 21, 28 and 35.  And what I have learned about myself in the last seven years has been heavily influenced, firstly by her arrival and then her sister’s arrival which just goes to show you that it’s not just people older than you can teach you things about yourself.

I would like to think that my seven year old realises how much power she has in her own life much sooner than I did. I want her to know that no matter what we’ve imprinted on her in the first seven years, she is the only person that steers her boat. She doesn’t need to be the person I want her to be, or her father wants her to be, she needs only to be the person she wants to be.

And at seven, she doesn’t really know what that is unless she looks at it in the context of a career. In which case she wants to be a doctor/rock star/actor/scientist/ethics teacher/spy. But being seven years old is far too young to realise that what you are is never going to be as important as who you are.

I know right? Who needs Aristotle when they’ve got me. And Google. How did parents answer the questions of seven year olds without Google?

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