Children should watch more TV

22 Apr 2014

I never have understood the thinking that makes parenting as hard as possible for the individual.  I mean people have been doing it for years – why reinvent the wheel?  Take advantage of the world around you and what others have learnt as they hauled their children from birth to adulthood. 

And TV definitely falls into that “don’t knock it, until you’ve totally abused it’s babysitting capacity” category. 

Sure, you – the adult – is not the target audience but there are heaps of things children can learn from TV which saves you the bother of having to teach them later on.  Not only that – it exposes to them a set of characters and scenarios that might be well be beyond your personal set of experiences and skills. 

I pride myself on bad efficient parenting.  And I thank the creators of the all the shows for my daughters’ understanding of the following:

Spanish

‘Nuff said

The cause and effect between income and effort. They can use the word doubloon in context (gold/money) and they recognise you have to work to get doubloons and that sometimes – others want you to do all the hard work and then just steal the rewards. 

Regardless of gender – when they grow up they can do whatever the hell they want to do.

a doctor

a helicopter pilot

a pirate

Not everybody needs to understand you for you to be successful 

(I mean honestly – WTF?????)

Being able to enjoy the small things in life is probably going to make your happier than anything else

Loving books doesn’t preclude you from being a rock star

Music is awesome

And friends are really important.  So you should be lovely to them no matter how bonkers they are in everyday life.  You probably chose them for a reason.

So go put those kids in front of the TV, pour yourself a wine and congratulate yourself on your exceptional parenting. And Steve Biddulph Sir – I’m more than happy for you to reference my genius in your next parenting guide.  

Do you enjoy Talking Frankly? Please feel free to vote for me for the People’s Choice Award – closes 5 May and all your support is most appreciated. 

Defining your personality – how not to do it.

20 Apr 2014

Hi, my name is Alison and I’m …..

• a Daisy
• a Blue Aura
• Claire Standish from the Breakfast Club
• Penny from the Big Bang Theory
• Phil Dunphy from Modern Family
• A tiger
• The colour red
• The game of football
• A muggle
• Somebody from the Game of Thrones*

And remember – next week’s #Laughlink is being hosted by the fabulous Kimberly at the craft free Melbourne Mum

The long weekend acometh

17 Apr 2014

Whether or not you’re a believer in Christianity, chances are if you’re reading this blog, you’re probably living in a country which is benefiting from it.  Except for the Aggarwals and the Phillips who seem to read it occasionally and they are all living in the Middle East.  Oh, and the O’Hagans and the Ansells in Asia.

But the rest of you in first world countries running on a Judeo-Christian calendar – I am talking about public holidays people.  Public holidays.

And most pressingly – the four day long weekend otherwise known as ‘Easter’.  Be you a believer it’s in pagan origins, it’s Christian origins or you believe all of it to be a load of codswallop, you’re getting a four day weekend. Starting this afternoon.

If you’re a grown up that is.  If you’re a child you’re on school holidays or being forced to work for minimum wage in fast food outlets around the country so people who forget that the supermarkets are not open on Good Friday can still feed their families.

And petrol station attendants.  For those that forget that Good Friday means everything is closed and they haven’t got the petrol to get to Macdonalds.  So they get some petrol and a four pack of mac cheese and sit tight until Saturday.

And supermarket employees who will be working on Saturday for all those who forgot to buy eggs and something to eat for Easter lunch.  If the supermarkets are busy today, my guess is that you are going to need crack SAS teams to manage the stampede of shoppers on Saturday.

And then all the small corner stores that open on Easter Sunday and for all the businesses in Manly, NSW.  Everything always seems to be open there no matter when you visit.  It’s a little disconcerting to be honest.

But…. original point unproven.  Turns out loads of people work all the Easter weekend.  Even the Royals aren’t getting to stay in their PJs and eat chocolate for every meal.  (Or little r royals if you’re having a republican moment.)

Whoever you are, wherever you are, whatever you do or don’t believe in, I hope you have a very splendid long weekend/not long weekend/chocolate feast/visit to church/time with your family/time hiding from your family/day in bed/trip to the Easter Show/family camping trip/other.

And if you’re on the road, for the love of Roscoe Arbuckle – turn your freaking lights on, slow down and stay alive. Not everybody gets to rise again come Sunday!

Not quite a winner

16 Apr 2014

I was very chuffed to be one of the nominated blogs for Voices of 2014.  Sure I let you all know about it and even shamelessly plugged it, but it meant that somebody loved me, or the blog enough to do it.

And that was awesome.  I have not made the top 100 blogs.  And of course it’s disappointing that the judges failed to recognise my supreme wit, smoking hot vocabulary and brilliant ability to arrange the alphabet into an assortment of words which appeal to one or two of you out there.

Everybody makes mistakes.  Something like nine publishing houses rejected J.K. Rowling’s first draft of Harry Potter. That’s gotta hurt in retrospect. [Judges take note :-)]

But seriously, I am okay. (Catches sob, brushes eyes dramatically and gives artful shrug of her shoulders, raises head defiantly and smiles at the Muggle ahead of her.  Or something.)

I enjoy blogging.  Like really enjoy it.  I enjoy writing.  I enjoy having an outlet for my inside thoughts and those random brain explosions which always sound much less articulate if voiced without due consideration.

I also enjoy reading blogs. And I absolutely adore meeting the people behind the blogs.  Even when they write brilliantly, they are generally even more awesome in real life.  And funny.  You can’t be putting your life out into the public arena and not have the ability to laugh at both yourself and others.

Because life is generally fairly ridiculous.  And taking yourself seriously all the time must be so debilitating.  Never doing anything differently because it might not work out.  So yes, I didn’t make the top 100 this year, but I can always try again next year or basically just write the blogging version of Harry Potter and retire to write ‘proper things’ like JKR did.

And in the meantime my friends – there are so many brilliant blogs in the Top 100.  You’ve got an Easter weekend looming, so I recommend (in no particular order but with unreserved gushing) With Some Grace, The Plumbette, Cooker and A Looker, BoyEatsWorld, Reservoir Dad, Mama Stylista, Little Grey Box, Keeping up with the Holsbys and Dad Down Under.

Fashion, food, fun, travel, design, vasectomies and all that.

And an honourable mention to three hilarious women who were definitely 101 – 103 and are also funny, interesting women – you’ll want to make sure you’re an early adopter of Have a laugh on me, Champagne Cartel and Blah Blah Magazine.

That said, in what is a blatant plug for another award – you can make me the People’s Choice Awardee in case the judges at AWC fail to recognise my genius as well.

Click on the link below to go vote for me like a boss.  It’s alphabetical so I’m SORRY but you’ll have to click through to the letter T!

Click here

Last but not least a huge big fat congratulations to all the bloggers in the Top 100 (and my future career as a reclusive billionaire writer).

The Run Diary – Week hmmmm – A beginner’s guide to running

14 Apr 2014

Running is a bit like having a baby.  People spend a lot of time telling you about the things you ultimately don’t really need to know, and absolutely nothing about the bits you do.

I’m there for you.  Here are the things that beginner runners need to know.

Catherine told me so it must be true. Please.

1. Running hurts.  It’s not natural – all the professionals agree that the body is not designed for you to haul your weight around at a stupid pace for hours on end.  Which is why muscles you never knew existed start to hurt and you feel that your knee cap is going to explode, or your shoulder aches, or you get that weird pulsing muscle in your groin that feels like gremlins are trying to dig their way to China.

   And unlike childbirth – nobody offers you pain relief.  They try and positive mantra your arse off and tell you to push through the pain.  Even in childbirth they encourage you to take a break and get your breath back.  Like childbirth though – profanity is perfectly acceptable and drinking wine afterwards thoroughly recommended.

2. Running is really bloody expensive.  They say that all you need is a good pair of running shoes and an open road but that’s just bollocks.  It’s like people that say to have babies all you need is a pair of boobs and some nappies.  A good pair of running shoes sets you back a couple of hundred dollars.  Which you have to replace every few hundred kilometres.  Which happens faster than you think.  Then you need a good bra, a really good bra, so your boobs don’t knock out your fellow runners. If you are running distances, you need the hydration belts, and gels, and watches.  Even for shorter runs you need good underwear so you don’t get chafing, proper running shorts/leggings so you don’t get chafing and a good top… so you don’t get chafing.  Plus all of a sudden you’re eating better which costs money and the list goes on.
3. Dynamic training is mind numbingly boring and repetitive.  The name lies.  You basically run on a wet oval, around and around and around in circles at various paces.  Your feet get wet, the mosquitoes eat the shit out of you and there is no decent scenery to distract you from the fact that you are basically running in circles for two hours when there are so many more fun things you could be doing.
4. Footpaths are never straight.  And the steeper it is, the more likely it is to be tilted to one side.  So when you see people running up a hill, one leg is running a lot less, because the ground is likely to be higher under their left leg and lower under their right.  Which is why even really good runners look like their are lurching sometimes.  If you’re on a road, just when it is steepest they dig it up so you’re essentially running on cobble stones.  It’s very likely that every local council in every city around the world is full of people actively designing surfaces that make running difficult.  And they are laughing so very very hard.
5. Running never gets fun.  The longer you run the happier you are to finish.  And the more emotional.  I wept like a small child deprived a chocolate bar after my 16.13 kilometre run the other day.  And I have to learn to run another seven on top of that.  I get that some people regularly run marathons, ultra marathons and the like – but its not for the love of running.  It’s to complete the run.  It’s to be able to say ‘I did this in x amount of minutes’.  If people were running for love of running they wouldn’t need to run races.  Fact. And even professional runners say that when running feels easier, you need to run faster.  It’s a fool’s errand my friends, a fool’s errand.
6. Running is not for weight loss.  The only way you’re going to lose weight running is if your leg falls off. Fat turns to muscle.  Muscle weighs more. Michelle Bridges only wants you to believe it works so you buy her running pants.  Running might be good for you in a lot of ways (none of which I have yet discovered), but if you really want to lose weight, just don’t eat. It’s quicker, less painful and doesn’t involve dynamic training.  

I’m not saying don’t do it. Doing anything you’ve not done before is always intensely satisfying. I’m just sayiing that if you have the choice, take up roller blading. It’s much faster, much more fun and much much kinder to your boobs.

Well that was awkward

13 Apr 2014

Everybody has them.  A plethora of stories that showcase extremely awkward moments which are actually incredibly hilarious.

Later.

Never at that particular moment.

And you always hope that nobody ever repeats what happens.  And if they do, they don’t have a blog post about awkward moments. So you never ever read the post and realise she has never forgotten the time when…

• your child gave a spirited and detailed description to the grandparents about how hairy your hoohar is
• you wrote in an email to your boss “I’ll be in naked to talk to you” rather than “I’ll be in later to talk to you” 
• your child dropped some paint at childcare and yelled ‘fuck this shit’ at top volume
• you got really drunk, hugged a cactus and couldn’t remember it so thought you had some bizarre disease that meant you couldn’t lower your arm without pain
• your mother described somebody, in all innocence, as a right ‘twat’ to somebody British
• your child nominated ‘Scissor Sisters’ as their favourite family band
• your child walked through your office with tampons stuck in each ear that day you had to pop into work on a non-work day and you didn’t notice until after you’d introduced them to your MD
• you did your entire bridal waltz with a post it note on the back of your designer dress saying “kick me” and still haven’t worked out who put it there
• you sent a raunchy text to your father-in-law instead of your husband just as you sat down to dinner with them at a posh eatery and couldn’t understand why he wasn’t speaking to you until afterwards