31 Jul 2014
To my beautiful daughters
When you grow up, you’re probably going to fall in love. Hopefully with somebody that makes you incredibly happy and you live a blessed life dancing around fields full of sunflowers and with a personal chef back home.
To be honest, you’ll probably date a few people before then that aren’t quite going to cut the mustard. Some might break your heart. You might break theirs. It’s inevitable in the messy messy world of emotions that it doesn’t necessarily all go according to plan every time.
And I would like to think that you only date single people. While you’re single. But I also get that this isn’t always how it works. It’s a bit like wine. While it makes good sense to finish one bottle before starting the second, when you’re in the moment you crack open that second bottle and splash it into your glass on the dregs of the last bottle.
But remember – hangovers hurt. The relationship equivalent of hangovers is affairs. They hurt. Maybe not you, but somebody. And it’s not the kind of hurt that can be fixed with a can of lemonade, two ibuprofen and a bacon and egg roll.
My gorgeous girls – promise me this. If somewhere along the line, you have an affair with a murderer, go down on the president, get it on with somebody amazing in the toilet of a plane at 50,000 feet, or you find yourself naked with Prince Harry and a pool table – don’t sell the story.
You’re better than that.
You make a series of choices which get you to any point in your life. They won’t all be good choices. Nobody is perfect. And sometimes those less awesome choices will reward you. Sometimes they won’t, but any choice you make is your responsibility. Bummer I know.
The people that sell their stories might make money but they lose everything else. Their credibility, their integrity, their dignity, their relationships, their children, their families and quite often, their futures.
They hurt people very deliberately. And publicly. For money.
That’s not what I want you to become. Do what you do, live the life you live. Try not to hurt others. It will happen, I know that, just as I know others will hurt you. But if the only way you can place a value on yourself and an experience is by selling yourself, and make no mistake, that’s what you are doing, we have failed you terribly and for that I would be truly sorry.
So go forth little ones. Into the future, into the world. Try to be lovely and remember that if you do hurt somebody, you say ‘Sorry’ not ‘Sell my story’.
Love Mama xxxx
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29 Jul 2014
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| Source: Banksy |
So I was trying to work out exactly what I felt about MH17 and Gaza and stuff and I wrote this piece but then later that day Waheed Aly wrote something and it was SO MUCH BETTER.
So read his here
The value of human life. That’s pretty much what I wanted to say but said by somebody who knows how to say it just perfectly.
And I wanted to say something about how people can be really smug arses sometimes when it comes to parenting and well, life. The parenting mafia often lack empathy and are recklessly judgemental about everything from Peaches Geldof to parenting styles. And then Eden Riley wrote something and I thought – yes – THAT.
So read her here
Smug mothers polish mirrors. And if you think you live an addiction free, trauma free, mistake free life, count your blessings rather than throwing stones around glass houses with gay abandon.
And I was all cross about that Facebook page where women try to explain why they hate feminism (and actively prove they have never been blessed with a dictionary). And they just look stupid. So very very stupid.
And the somebody set up this. And it made the world a bit better because the point is so beautifully made we can relax again. Check out
Confused cats against feminism. Don’t look at the other one, it’ll just make you mad.
So I’m saying nothing today. Not when it’s all been said so articulately elsewhere.
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28 Jul 2014
So here’s my problem. The World Health Organisation defines elderly in Western civilisations as 65 plus. My parents are plus.
I’m not quite 40 and still struggle with the label ‘adult’. I don’t know if my brain is going to be able to process ‘elderly’ in just over 25 years. Especially since we’re quite likely to live until our late 80s at the very least. All going well obviously.
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| This is not my dad. Yet. |
And my elderly role models are flawed. The last time Mum broke something was when she was scaling a wall in the UK. Dad’s last few major falls have all been from his motorcycle when he’s off-roading in Outback Australia or touring Bhutan.
If you google ‘activities for elderly people’, neither the traversing of walls or off road motorcycling come up. Though cup stacking, knitting, large print crosswords, brass cleaning, egg shell mosaics and musical bingo all do. So as my parents are currently jaunting around Greece seeing things that are even older than they are, they are obviously behaving inappropriately for elderly people.
My siblings and I need a plan so that our parents can be ‘model elderly’ so we know how to behave when we get to be elderly ourselves. I mean isn’t that how we ‘parent’. By modelling appropriate behaviour? That whole do as I say, not as I do has been discredited fo’ schizzle.
Now The Mayo Clinic advises that “Caring for the elderly can be challenging — particularly if a loved one is resistant to care. You need to understand what’s causing your loved one’s resistance and how you can encourage cooperation.”
So the first step is obviously going to be working out which of the six of us need to tell my parents what cup stacking is and how it’s more appropriate for them since they are officially elderly. I’m nominating my older brother because he’s the oldest and it’s his job. Suck it up Bro.
The second step is going to be coaxing my big brother out from under the duvet about a week after they tell him what they think of his cup stacking idea.
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| And your point about brass cleaning is what Mum? |
The third step is to work out why they are so resistant to care. I mean they’re elderly now, they’ve clearly got to be taken care of before they spend our inheritance on all this fabulous jaunting. And brass cleaning is an excellent way of keeping finger dexterity.
Step four will be admonishing my father for demonstrating his finger dexterity by flipping the finger. I do not think swearing in sign language is acceptable elderly behaviour.
Step five will involve all of us ringing each other to discuss our differing view points on why our elderly parents are being so uncooperative about our commitment to their well being. Will probably send in the little sister to explain to them how they could be better at being elderly as she’s generally deemed the sensible one and the parentals will at least let her finish her pitch.
Step six will be to send flowers to the little sister to say thanks and we’re very sorry that she’s been disowned.
Step seven will be to curtail their social activities. No more volunteering, catching up with friends, motorcycling, going to the football, exercise classes, overseas travel, technology, girls nights out. I suspect the quickest way to do this is to print obituaries in the local paper so people stop calling and inviting them places.
Step eight will be to write an open letter to be printed on the front page of the local paper apologising for not inviting people to the funerals my parents never had. Who would have thought so many people get upset about not knowing about funerals.
Step nine will be to let him continue being crap at being elderly. Sometimes you just have to let people learn things for themselves and if they are going to insist on living full and enriching lives they will only have themselves to blame in twenty years.
(inappropriate elderly people who will make your day)
And to be completely fair to them, cup stacking is extremely boring. What about you? Are your parents hard to bring up properly too?
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24 Jul 2014
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| When we met |
TEN YEARS ago today, in a little back garden behind a big house in London, Nick and I kissed for the first time. And then he ran away. Literally hurdled a brick wall in his haste.
Though his version is a little (completely) different.
Either way, we’ve been together ten years today. Despite being clearly and most blatantly not suitable.
In any way.
There is a series of blog posts happening around the internet at the moment where people interview their significant other. They’re quite worth a read purely because people’s lives are interesting. Check out the interviews by Emily, Kylie, and Renee if you want to see people doing it properly. See, I thought I’d do the same. But without actually interviewing him.
Because I totally know how it will go because I’m brilliant like that.
So let’s start.
So Nick, how are you today?
*Good thanks, yep, good.
If I asked for life advice right now, what do you think you would say?
*You’re amazing. And you should blog about sweet potatoes. People love sweet potatoes.
Nick, you’re so frustrating – a serious answer please.
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| Just after we moved to Australia |
*What? People love sweet potatoes. I think it could be the answer to everything. In fact, I think you’d be famous already if you wrote more about sweet potatoes.
NICK!!!!!!
*Okay okay, just keep doing what you’re doing. You’re great. You really are Alipops. Completely awesome.
Sigh. Fine. What was the best bit about your day?
*All the bits I spent with you.
NICK!
*What? A man’s not allowed to be nice to his wife now? A fine state of affairs! Did you hear that girls? Mum’s cranky because I like spending time with her.
NICCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK! FFS. Why are we still married?
*Because I’m funny. And you love talking with me. And we love each other. And you think I have a cute bum.
You are the most exasperating man on the planet – you know that don’t you?
*You used to love me – sticks bottom lip out. Do you hear that girls? Am I exasperating?
(Girls are thrilled to yell NO NO NO NO. You are SO BUNNY DADDY. Traitors.)
I DO LOVE YOU. I just wish you would not be sooooo…. ARGH! ANNOYING.
*Wine my darling?
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| My beautiful man xxxx |
(This is where I hurl myself into the couch thinking that if I had known how annoying he was I WOULD NEVER have fallen in love with him. Let alone stayed in love with him. Honestly, is there a more frustrating man on the planet? How the hell are we going to spend happily ever after together when he’s just sooooooo GRRRRRRRRRR. Bloody man. SO ANNOYING)
*Here’s your wine Alipops. Now move over, let me sit down too.
I move. Begrudgingly because he’s annoying. And we sit there, snuggled, watching our daughters do something that would make their grandmothers twitchy.
And we are happy. Happy 10 years beautiful man.
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24 Jul 2014
I was asked recently why I blog. I asked why they asked and they said to me “You’re a great writer, I love what you write, I just don’t know why you don’t do real writing?”
I decided to ignore blogging not being real writing and just say “Thank you”. Because I’m almost grown up now.
I present to you evidence of my real writing. Circa 1983/84. I was 8 or 9.
I can’t believe I didn’t have an agent by the end of Primary School quite frankly.
All illustrations original copies of original drawings. Lack of formatting directly representative of original masterpiece. Spelling as it was. I think we can all agree I have a good array of adjectives and manners of speech at my disposal. Though less of a comprehensive understanding of reproduction.
And agents – call me.
YONE.
By Alison Farrelly
Yone is a Planet. It has plenty of life on it. There are lots of animals on it and people too. The animals on Yone are completely different from the animals on earth. For instance, Pin is a kind of snake with 50 eyes. Zingo Vingo is a horse which has eight legs, with two feet on each of them.
All the animals are strange, extra strange. The people are very srange. The men have blue faces and on ehtem, 2 noses, 8 eyes, 5 mouths. THe women have 4 noses, 12 eyes, 10 mouths. The young boys have, 100 eyes, 10 noses, 11 mouths. The girls have 100 eyes, 10 nose, 11 mouths. Babys have, 9 eyes, 5 noses, 2 mouths. The houses are made out of a stuff called Tino. doors are made out of Linky. Chimmneys are made out of Chagoo, winds are made out of Ginkygunk. The grass is pink with yellow spots. Birds have 900 wings and lay 1000000 eggs in a minute. The eggs are as big as a new born baby. ZingoVingos can have millons of babys in a day. Now I will tell you a story from Yone. Once upoun a time, there lived a family on Yone. The sir-name of the family was Farr laa laa singoah. Everybody called them Mr. And Mrs Singoah. They had 2 children. 1 was a girl and the other a boy.
The girls name was Ongidruocamo. The boys name was Omacrudraneo. They are twins, you see and the twins are 12. Everybody called the girl Ongi for short and the boy Omac for short. One day the twins came home from Oscape (that is school) and found their Pits very happy. (Pits are parents). “We are going to have babys!” exclliamed Papa. “Great” moaned Omac. Ongi said to Omac what would you name your baby if you had one?”
“Um”, said Omac, “I would name it Fala”. “Thats” said Ongi “is a boys name.” “I know” said Omac. “I would name it Foco”Ongi. “Girlish” remarked Omac. “Boyish” remarked Ongi. Mama came in and said “Children, you are behaving like two year old Children” “But. Mama” said Omac” “But Omac” said Mama. “Yes” said ONgi. “Ongi” said Mama. “Yes” said Omac. “Rrrrrr” growled Mama. Ongi and Omac giggled, then chuckled, then roarded with laughter. Mama gave a startled expression and went out of the room. After Mama had left the room, there was a knock on the door. Ongi ran out and opened the door, a man was standing there with a robot behind him, then started to speak, “Hello, my name is Mr MerMud and your mother wanted a baby”. “Oh yes” said Omac. “Mama, Papa” cried Ongi “Baby time, Mr MerMud is here”. “So’s his robort” added Omac. “Oky doky” yelled Mama from the kicthen. Papa then appeared looking very happy. “Mr. Mermud eh” he said after looking up and down. “Hey” said Omac “aren’t you the baby man?” “Me?” asked Mr.MerMud. “Yes, you” said Ongi, “No” said Mr. MerMud. “Then who?” said Ongi. “Jimka” replied Mr. Mermud. “That’s me” beeped the robot. Mama appeared then holding two babys. “Ma” cried Omac” where did you get them?” “Jimka” replied Mama. “What shall we name them?” asked Ongi. “Fala and Foco” said Mama. “Great” said Omac. “Great” echoed Ongi. Now the family is happy, so I better say goodbye.
The end.
That my friends is why I write. I’m totally ace at it. And always have been.
“Clearly” I giggle, I chuckle and then roar with laughter.
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23 Jul 2014
Sometimes working out how to do real life can be complicated. And everybody has so much advice. There are pages and pages and pages of books in every language telling you how to get better at life.
I’m breaking it down for you into a one pager. That way you can print it off, carry it around and be brilliant at everything all the time.
1. If you write a list, and everybody knows that people that accomplish things write lists, start with the point ‘write a list’. That way you’ve accomplished something and can feel like a winner all day long.
2. If you are unsure what you feel like drinking – choose water. It’s good for you first and foremost but people always assume that people who drink water are massively self disciplined and healthy.
3. All babies look like Winston Churchill at birth. Honesty is not the best policy for babies. If you are truly struggling for something complimentary to say about somebody’s newborn use the phrase ‘Bless, looks just like you’ to anybody in the room. Everybody likes to be included. Even the nurses.
4. Unless your name is on the building, don’t take work personally. It’s a job. Do your best and don’t be an arse to other people. Not being an arse always pays off in the long run.
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| Ours was more Chairman Mao |
5. RSVP. Just RSVP. You don’t have to have an excuse if you don’t want to go, just say thanks but no. If you’re going to go, let them know. Don’t be rude.
6. It’s better to be too polite. Scatter the world with Please, Thank you, Excuse me, Sir, Ma’am, Good morning and good bye.
7. Nobody is better than you. You’re not better than anybody. We’re all doing our best most of the time.
8. Sorry is not a sign of weakness. Sorry starts conversations. If you find saying the word Sorry makes you choke, get therapy. You have issues.
9. Brands don’t matter. Ever. Especially not for engagement rings.
10. Laugh at least once a day. Even if it’s inappropriately. It’s good to use your belly for more than food and storing lint.
11. Exercise when you can. Eat well when you can. Don’t beat yourself up too much when it doesn’t happen. You’re beautiful just as you are.
12. Buy clothes that fit now. Now matters.
13. Stop procrastinating. You could be dead before you get around to doing it otherwise.
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| Big hugs show love |
14. Love fiercely. Hate nobody. Hate hurts only you. It’s corrosive and ugly.
15. People will talk. People will judge. Fuck ’em.
16. If you wear a bra, it should fit flat between your breasts; support your boobs so your nipples sit roughly half way between shoulder and elbow; contain no bulging back fat. If it’s a regular wear bra – it’s got about 6-9 months life max. Sizes are irrelevant for bras – fit is everything.
17. Know CPR and carry bandaids.
18. Smile at strangers. They might be having a bad day.
19. If people are nice to you but rude to support staff, they aren’t nice.
20. Money does not make you a good person.
21. Value your friends. They are the family you choose for yourself and extremely precious. Hold them close and call them. Yes you. YOU. Just as easy as waiting for them to call isn’t it?
22. In the age of information, ignorance is a choice. Choose wisely.
That should do it. Now go forth and be happy. You’re awesome.
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