Shingles, Swearing and Sandwiches

10 Sep 2014

Shingles.  I’ve got fucking shingles.

Like hips, I thought shingles were something that happened to old people.  I’m starting to get very paranoid that my parents got my birthdate wrong by like thirty years or something.

Shingles.  I knew they had something to do with the chickenpox virus so I thought it was just some kind of itchy disease and stay away from pregnant people and babies. But no.  No. No.

But the irrelevantly named chicken pox virus stays in the nerve cells in your spinal cord for the rest of your life.  And for 4 out of 5 people it just sits around quietly waiting for you to die and causes no harm.  But APPARENTLY if you’re stressed, or old, or your immune system has taken a battering, it goes wandering out along your nervous system causing pain which is fucking unbelievable.

And I have, despite my tremendous capacity to carry on, a very high pain threshold.  I break limbs and walk on them for two weeks before going to the doctor.  I’m HARD CORE PEOPLE. HARD CORE.  So trust me when I say it hurts.

STRESSED? OLD? SICK? It’s lucky I like my Doctor so much or I might have been MASSIVELY insulted.  For the record, he did note that he said nothing about me being old but that my stress levels were high?  WHAT? WHO THE HOTDIGGEDITYSHITBOTTOMS IS STRESSED?  I’m a picture of calm and fucking contentment me!

Anyway, because this week is supposed to be all about my food genius and there was a bakery next to the pharmacy where I was stocking up on antivirals – I bought a loaf of fresh white bread and I’ve just made me a vegemite and cheese sandwich.  Because comfort food for lunch goes a long way to making a girl feel better about shingles.  That and having a profane laden rant on her own blog.

If there is a god, I do not think much of his sense of fucking humour.  Fact.

  

Food terminology for beginner foodies

9 Sep 2014

Do you ever go to a restaurant or read a recipe and think WTF does that mean?  And then you ask and the waiter looks at you like you’re an idiot.  Unless you’re in a French restaurant where the waiter never lowers himself to look at you so you just order ‘pomme frites’ because you know what they are.

Never fear, food blogger (me) is here.

The definitive glossary to food terms.

Deconstructed sandwiches: All the ingredients piled on your plate so you can make your own bloody sandwich and pay through the nose for the privilege.

Deconstructed desserts: Generally three blobs – one of ice cream, one of chocolate mousse and the third will be pureed fruit with a piece of dark chocolate stuck in it.  Always expensive, probably because they have had to fork out for the long skinny plates rather than just chucking it into a bowl.

Smashed tuber: It’s just mashed potato. The chef couldn’t be arsed peeling the potato (and who can blame him) so he’s cooked it with the skin on it, mashed it roughly, thrown some salt and pepper over the top and sexed it up with the word ‘tuber’.

Jus: Chef speak for puree.  Yes. Baby food.  Quite often watered down to make it go three times as far.  Normally made out of food you wouldn’t eat if served whole.

Julienne: When you cut your vegetables into long strips rather than across ways.  The taste is no different but it does make it easier to scoop up dip with your carrots.

Smashed pav: A pavlova made and then dropped, scooped up and put back in the bowl.  I generally don’t ‘bother these days even making the pav properly, I just throw the pav in a bowl, add some cream, a bunch of fruit and take it as my ‘bring a plate’ to pretty much everything.  If I can do it, you can be sure it’s not ‘innovative cooking’.

Fusion: When the four year old pours tomato sauce onto her porridge and eats it – we call it gross.  When a chef does it, we call it fusion and give it gold stars and get them to judge reality cooking shows.

Kale: cabbage

Bok choy: cabbage

Napa: cabbage

Brussel sprouts: cabbage

Choy Sum: cabbage

Coleslaw: cabbage in mayonaise

Paleo: Basically meat and three veg.  I was brought up on a paleo diet. Fact.

Organic: food produced without chemicals (from pesticides, etc) like what you could grow in your own yard if you could be bothered.  You generally can’t so you buy it from the supermarket or organic shops where you ignore the food miles associated with getting pollutant free food to your inner city supermarket.  In addition, if the whole world went back to organic, we’d have to start culling humans as it’s not sustainable on a global level. Oh the conundrum.

Vegetarian chicken: Proof that people are idiots.

Artisanal food: Home made.  It just means home made.  Or made like home made.  You know, from scratch by people that know what they’re doing.

Bircher Muesli: Porridge

Slow Food: Anything which is not Mcdonalds. Though on a busy day even they are.

Civet: Comes with onions.  Generally way way way too many onions.  Quite often used to dress up roadkill as delish by using a French word.  Rabbit civet, Kangaroo civet, Dinosaur civet.  Actually I made that last one up.  Dinosaurs are never road kill.

Chicken (nuggets): Anything I want my children to eat without asking too many questions.

    

Slow cooker sausage stew

8 Sep 2014

I have done a bit of research before commencing part two of the #pbevent blogging challenge – Food Blogging – and I have to tell you that something all food bloggers seem to have is a genuine passion for cooking.

And by passion, they really really really really like cooking. A lot.  And experimenting with food.  And tastes.  And textures.  They cook for fun not functionality.  They cook because they genuinely enjoy it not just because they recognise that while surviving for weeks on popcorn, bananas, toast and cereal is a suitable way to make it through fifteen years of independent living, you can’t bring your children up on that.

And the reason women get fat when they move in with their partners is not love. It’s because they’re eating more than popcorn, bananas, toast and cereal and pretending to be grown up.  It’s a freakin’ conspiracy I tell you.

All of which indicates to me that food blogging is going to be harder than fashion blogging.  Because I have less interest in food than I do in fashion.  Mainly because I can cope with being hungry but I really hate being cold.

That said – sometimes this happens.

In fact my second blog post ever – read by nobody – Judge me if you like but I don’t like tuna kind of sums up me and food.  Fact.

But I’m here. I’m keen.  Keeping up with the Holsbys, Fresh Home Cook, Boy Eats World, Cooker and a Looker – look away now. It’ll make your talented, purist foodie souls weep for humanity.

Slow Cooker Sausage Stew

Now I checked with Delia on the accuracy of hotpot vs stew vs casserole on this and method matters but I’m more concerned with alliteration.  So I’ve gone with stew.

First step is have a slow cooker.  The best way to get one of these is have a baby and if your friends are of the absolutely ace kind they’ll buy you one as a gift.  Mainly because they are concerned you might try bringing the child up on popcorn and bananas – but no matter.

Wipe the dust off the slow cooker.  Plug it in.  Turn it on at the wall – this is essential for it to actually work when you turn on the actual slow cooker.  #tipsforbeginners

Ingredients

about 700 grams of fat sausages
1 brown onion
1 spoon of honey
vegetables – I went for what I had in the house – so 1 medium sweet potato (peeled and chopped into chunks about the size of a bite sized Milky Way), 4 – 5 carrots (peeled and chopped), some frozen corn kernels, some frozen peas, about half a punnet of grape tomatoes
1 Masterfoods Sausage Hot Pot recipe base
some water

Method

Brown your sausages.  This involves frying them in a pan until they are brown.  I’m never sure if they are supposed to be brown only on the outside, so I generally just cook them through, because the idea of eating raw meat makes me gag and I have never got around to googling the answer to this one.

Then you chop them up into chunks.

Chuck all the vegetables into the slow cooker

then throw the chopped sausages on top dollop in the honey

pour about 500 grams of water on top, tip in the recipe base from the packet.  Stir.

Turn on the slow cooker for 4 hours if it’s 2pmish in the afternoon, or 8 hours if it’s 10amish in the morning.  I don’t know what the auto function does – so don’t use that. Go about your business. Thank the universe for Kiralie who gave you the slow cooker.

Serve with either rice, pasta or fresh chunks of bread to mop up the sauce.  Or nothing.  It’s plenty tasty enough so you’ll live without accessorising.

Make a plate of weetbix for the younger daughter and a plate of porridge for the elder daughter when they refuse to eat it because today they absolutely hate (insert whatever vegetable they are currently trolling) and you can’t be bothered arguing because you know they ate like demons at childcare.

Bung the leftovers in a lunchbox and send with your husband to work the next day.  You can always pop some kernels and eat a banana if you need lunch.

And there you have it.  Dinner.  In a slow cooker.

Am I sponsored by Masterfoods? Nope. I should be though.  I’m keeping the buggers in business while everybody goes back to basics.

PS: This recipe is not suitable for meat free Mondays.

PPS: If you don’t want your child to grow up on cereal – you should buy Cook Once, Feed All.  The genius that wrote it is funnier than me, takes great pics, actually can cook and all the people that actually use it – swear by it.  #notsponsored #genuinereviewersloveit #shegenuinelylovescooking #andherchildren #Ijustlovethisgirlsoyoushouldbuyherbookandmakeherfamous

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Microfashion

5 Sep 2014

When I first heard the term ‘microfashion’, I probably assumed it mean short stuff if I gave it any thought at all.

But now I know it means fashion for small people.

And I’m determined that my girls don’t grow up to be as completely clueless as I am.  Mainly because it’s one thing to look a lot like Susan Boyle when you want to look that way, and a completely different thing for that to be your look by accident.

To be on the safe side I’ve banned velour in this house.  Because I hate it. I don’t know why adult women wear it and I don’t know why children wear it.  It’s ugly and feels hideous and nobody but nobody ever looks good in it.

No exceptions. I know some of you wear it, swear by it and love it.  But I’m the fashion expert remember and I’m telling you you are completely wrong on this.

Anyway – microfashion.

Children stay about the same size for approximately three and a half minutes, so I’m not a big fan of saving clothes for good.  I also largely let my children choose what they are going to wear because they are only small people for such a brief time and the system will attempt to mould them soon enough.  Let their creativity run riot before they realise that people spend a lot of time judging you on this shit.

It also means my children spend a lot of time in very little clothes.  Clothes get in the way of life apparently.  They’re a little more persuadable when it’s chilly but only sometimes.

So anyway, in microfashion today – the Tullinator went out like this:

One Princess Sophia dress, over a Doc McStuffin vest, topped with a pink cardigan and finished with a pair of pink sparkly lace up boots.  Hair style – unbrushed.  Nailed the look and earned her many a compliment while out and about.

The Cassinator went out in a purple jacket, a pair of pink jeans and some black shoes.  I accidentally deleted her photo and before I could catch up with her style – events meant that I had bought her a new pack of underpants and a pair of leggings so she was engaging with the world dressed as follows.

 Nope. That’s Emmett in the orange overalls.  She’s in the purple long sleeved tee and pink leggings.

Then events overtook again (can I just say never kill time with a poorly two year old in a public place if you have not packed for Armageddon) and while I mopped the floor and waited 25 minutes for sales assistants to get me a plastic bag to put wet clothes and wet tissues in, she got on with life (and playing the role of Mrs Blob) dressed thus.

Yes. In a book, a purple long sleeved tee and a pair of underpants.  And that is how we took her to the doctors.

Who dresses your small people – you or them?

    

Father’s Day Fashionable Gift Ideas

4 Sep 2014

So I thought I’d take a break from displaying what I’m wearing today.  Mainly because I’ve run out of different clothes, but also because it occurs to me that YOU ONLY HAVE 72 HOURS TO GET YOUR DAD SOMETHING FOR FATHER’S DAY.

And don’t give me that bollocks about these days being nothing but creative marketing campaigns by global companies seeking to exploit us for cash.

That kind of reasoning just screams “I’m a tight arse and a miserable git”.

Plus, your economy needs you.  Haven’t you heard we’re in an economic crisis and can’t afford anything anymore except unnecessary jets, and doorknobs for rooms we don’t use and tax cuts for Gina Rinehart’s fatherless children and their endless court cases?

But as a do gooding fashionista – I’ve sought out ways you can get your Dad awesomely fashionable items FROM YOUR COMPUTER and show him that you turned out all right after all!

SPORTS DAD?

Spend $50 donating to Asylum SNEAKERS (see what they did there?) and your Dad will be sent a soccer shirt and a child will receive a pair of sports shoes.

Asylum seeking parents struggle to find the money to feed and house their families so ‘extras’ like sports are unaffordable.

Your paterfamilias will not only be the most dashing man about but he’ll be improving Australia’s chances of eventually winning the World Cup – something that appeals to any sports mad father.

SUPER DAD?

Is your Dad more of the super hero type quietly going about his business?  Like Graeme and his beard here?

This Amnesty International Hoodie will celebrate his super powers and all those things while your $59.95 goes towards those unsung heroes in Australia and around the world striving for a world in which every person enjoys all of the human rights enshrined in the Universal Declaration of Human Rights.

And grey goes with anything!

OUTGROWN HIS HAIR HEIGHT DAD?

Do you have a super handsome son of a gun Papa bear like me who has outgrown his hair height?

While it might be a while before your children are tall enough to notice he’s bald, you can support Cancer Research and Support  buy purchasing him a hat.

Trilby, fedora, hemp, braided, bucket, wide brim, cool comfort (nothing cool about it but stylish with socks and sandals), safari or cricket – there’s a style that suits every dad.

NUDIST DAD?

Have you got a father that only covers his Birthday Suit up when he goes to the grocery store?  And only then because he needs somewhere to put his wallet?

Well then, get him something from World Vision – like a set of mosquito nets which look very fetching when draped around the beds of a family for whom a mosquito bite can mean illness or death.

Actually, loads of options here and you can email them to him immediately – so he can wear the feeling of good will and universal love to lunch with you on Sunday.

Well fashion devotees – I hope that helps you with that last minute gift buying panic that hits everybody at the end of winter when the Christmas decorations start arriving in Myer before you’ve even noticed it’s the second half of the year.

Make sure you send me pictures – and big love to your Dad.

    

Functional Fashion and Funny Bones

3 Sep 2014

I think I need to tell you all something.  Beauty is only skin deep.  But funny – that goes right through to the skeleton.  That’s why you have a funny bone.

Lordy me – look at me mixing my fashion knowledge with my scientific expertise.

But nobody will ever admit to looking for somebody beautiful.  They’re all looking for something like a good sense of humour.  And you want to know why?  Because if you’re stuck on a desert island with somebody you’re not going to give a rat’s bottom how beautiful they are.  You’ll want them to be funny and a cracking conversationalist to distract you from the looming realisation that you’re probably going to die.  If they are fatter than you and you can kill them for food to increase your chances, all the better.

No thank you, I will not be your plus one on your next boat cruise around the islands.

That said, sometimes fashion has to be functional.  On days like day when Mother Nature forgets it is spring and shakes a bit of winter weather about like a teenager in a pillow fight.

Here I am wearing a black men’s jumper (origin unknown) over a black Cotton On singlet, green jeans (I have had them too long to remember where I bought them), a scarf from Scarf Girl (which I won in a competition), and black Doc Marten boots.

I love these boots despite the fact that doing up the six buckles takes longer than dressing the entire family.  Possibly because when I put my head that close the ground I’m tempted to just stay there and nap.

Anyway, I digress. I am what is known in these parts as warm.

I’m getting slightly more confident posing I think – look a that jaunty elbow and turned foot.  And I named THREE BRANDS above.  THREE!

I’m not going to show my hair.  Because it looks exactly the same as the last two days.  And showing you the same hairstyle for seven days straight might weaken my credentials as a key fashion influencer.

But since the clothes that adorn your body are just to make your inner beauty more comfortable going about in public, you must remember to think beautiful thoughts to make your skin glow, a saucy thought to give your eyes a twinkle and about one of my witty one liners to give your face a happy smile.  (Move over Miranda Kerr – I’ve got this covered too)

So answer me this my clever friends – just how long ago did coloured jeans stop being fashionable? How close am I to being on trend again do you think?